8.26.2011

August Thoughts

I've always been conflicted about August and September.

Back when I was a student it meant leaving behind late nights and late mornings for homework, commutes, and books. Lots and lots of books. Ah yes. I remember leisure. So many leisure hours I could not even begin to plan to put to good use. Anyway...

When I began working, August and September still left me a lingering sense of loss or change. For the past ten years, this time of year is usually THE busiest season of the year. We head into our company's major conference. It's a lot of work, a lot of deadlines, and a lot of hurry up and wait. But it's also a project that comes to fruition and is a blast for us to see unfold before our very eyes, once we're onsite. We witness all the work we've done during year come to an awesome end, and hopefully, satisfied customers.

In past years, many "very important" moves and new starts have happened during August/September. Now that I think about it, actually, pretty much ALL my major moves happened in August! Probably because it's a "safe" time in-between the school year cycle. And all of the moves typically were accompanied by the usual family upheavals, bad news, and health scares. Hectic insanity.

So, if that wasn't enough, I'm incredibly sensitive to weather changes. Always was. In the area I reside, the hot summer usually brakes on a dime and switches to "fall" weather just around this time of year. The days get abruptly shorter, the nights and mornings are way cooler. My metabolism seems to change. Traffic gets worse as school kids and their preferred modes of transportation are out and about.

This month, the weather has gotten cooler, my grandmother and mother fell ill, and I've been hustling to get conference and other projects completed in time for early October. Talk about feeling conflicted. I am deathly frightened of what's been going on with my grandmother. And my mom's health is already fragile enough. I'm really worried.

When you have so much on your mind, any small hangup seems like a mountain. It's almost hard to take a proper, deep breath. Or to close your eyes to begin falling asleep at night. Or sleep the whole night through.

My goal right now is to take it easy when I feel the stress rising up. Especially at work. I don't want to over-react when I face a snafu or a little bump in the road. Sometimes it feels like there's a wide variety of these snafus and bumps in the road, but they're actually just as common as any other time of the year--I'm just a little more sensitive to them. And jumpy. And cranky. I guess this is what they call being anxious.

For example, I feel like a total ass for not going to a co-worker's wedding. I feel guilty. Everyone, including past co-workers are coming to celebrate. From near or far. I said no. Why? Well, I'm seriously not feeling "all there." I don't have the energy to be in a social, celebratory environment. I wish my coworker the very bestest ever, she's an awesome girl and deserves much happiness. But I just can't go there. Not right now.

This also happend a few years ago, when one of my very dear friends turned 50. I love this friend dearly. She's a ray of sunshine. Back when she planned a big shindig to celebrate the big five-oh, I skipped out and she was most disappointed in me.

I just don't think I have the margin to cope with everything going on right now, plus a major social celebration.

I'll have to take a deep breath. When a "situation" takes place, I have the choice to react well and behave -- why not choose the path of less resistance and take a chill pill? ;o) I'll just have to look over to Benny, and grin. And bear it. And go visit my grandmother. But not during conference. Priorities. *sigh*

I really do feel like the anxious cat lady at the end of the street. LOL. C'est la vie. ^^;