2.12.2013

A Note on Journaling

I began a journaling practice back in May of 2012. I've sucked at making it a daily practice. Instead, I've made it a sporadic practice.

I promised myself three pages per day. Some days I wish I could keep going. Some days, I have to struggle to find something to write.

The point of journaling for me is to take down those thoughts that circle my mind like gnats. Taking them down into paper makes them solid so I can't escape them, so they're not as slippery. So I can see these thoughts down on paper and I can identify more easily patterns, concerns, fears and then I can reframe them, approach them, or resolve them.

But it's the days when I don't journal that trouble me a little. There are a variety of things that hold me back from making it a daily practice.

Sometimes I'm very angry. Angry at myself, angry at others, angry at situations I feel I don't have influence on.

Sometimes I don't have the energy. I feel fatigued, exhausted, sleepy, needing to vegetate.

Sometimes I'm depressed. I think about the past, I think about bad things that have happened, about scares, about medical conditions and emergencies. I kind of sit there not really looking, thinking deeply inside myself. In the shadows.

Sometimes I know exactly what I'm going to write...but then I forget when I get pen to paper.

Sometimes I have too much going on in my mind, and I know that three pages won't be enough.

Sometimes I confuse my blog with my journal, and write on here things I really shouldn't.

I've decided I'm going to forgive the lapses because, sometimes, the absence of something is as important as its presence. The heart grows fonder. I get to think on things a little more before firming them up onto paper.

I rarely go and read what I wrote. Those words and thoughts still exist inside of me, perhaps less important than the day I thought about them for minutes--or hours--and then decided to write them down.

I like the feeling of more space in my mind when these little balloons that flutter about are grabbed, pulled down, and stuck onto the pages of my journal.